Also known as the epic poem of Dante Alighieri, “Dante’s Inferno,” describes an “Inferno” or hell, as an elaborately structured realm of the underworld. Hardly humorous, but the ‘comedy’ refers to the vernacular of the day being used as prose, instead of a scholarly vocabulary as was accustomed for literary works of genius. It was a great success as far as literary works go, albeit a dark representation of hell and it’s inhabitants. Bodiless souls, or ‘shades’ that seem to be trapped between life and death described in a language that normal people use.
It sparked a renaissance of literature. Much the same as Mark Twain did in the late 1800’s, as he was revered for using the vernacular language, but in such eloquent fashion, the comedic effect was transcendent for all classes and races of people. The use of vernacular allows the author to delve into tragic issues like racism, war, discrimination, hate or politics because the story and conclusions are really the way we think and speak, resulting in a very poignant understanding of horrible things. Often times, the truth is always there, just under the skin and vernacular or ‘telling it like it is’ brings it out in full view, whether glorious or horrible.
The title of this article could have been, “A Comedy of Errors,” or “So Stupid It Can Only Be The Truth.” Since my mother has assured me that our recent loss must be “part of God’s plan,” stealing the title from Dante seemed appropriate, due to this soothing explanation my reverent Mom often provides in regards to all-things tragically out of my control.
In my life, comedy and tragedy are kinsmen, and the pairing of the two, although ‘divinely’ improbable, sure makes things interesting. What follows is my recent and ongoing journey through hell and the “shades” or entities you will encounter while digging yourself out of disaster. I warn you what follows is far from poetry.
My personal hell began around 11 p.m. June 6, 2013. I received a phone call informing me that my parts store and warehouse was on fire.
Nothing prepares you for the shock-and-awe regarding this type of phone conversation. I’m not even sure what my response was, but I’m certain it was thick with lots of the aforementioned local or common dialect associated with such an unwelcome message. My mental ability and stability skyrocketed and plummeted simultaneously reducing me to a barefoot madman driving towards our business fashionably much the same as an accomplished rally car driver closes in on the finish at the summit of a track in the Swiss Alps. Sure enough, on my arrival, my showroom and warehouse were ablaze.
Three fire engines were flooding the entire structure with water while firemen were breaking the glass of every window. There were enough flashing lights to obscure a Fourth of July fireworks display. There were police officers, ambulances with paramedics scrambling around, news crews, reporters, and a myriad of other gung-ho first responders scampering around. In the middle of it all was my insurance agent!
To say that I was grief stricken would be an understatement. After the fact, the whole scene reminded me of a famous Florentine artist, Botticelli, who painted “The Map Of Hell” which was based on, if you haven’t already guessed, Dante’s Inferno. This “map” depicts the nine levels of suffering based upon an interpreted severity of sin or spiritual tragedy with Lucifer at the center of it all.
At this point, you must be thinking I’m either delusional, or too well read. If you are a follower of this column, it’s very obvious of my limited literary prose, and I take medication for the other possibility. Let’s just say it was a precursor or prophetic entanglement of knowledge and despair accurately depicting the levels of hell involved with my ensuing insurance claim.
I’m not saying my insurance agent is Lucifer, although he was standing at the center of it all. What I am saying is that my insurance policy lacks any ‘vernacular’ necessary to properly understand the policy, or what the heck you have that’s actually insured.
If Dante or Mark Twain penned the legal ease of your insurance policy in a language readily understandable it would very simply say this: “Although you spend a lot of money for insurance and the promise of timely, realistic benefits and payment to cover your losses, our policy is to pay out as little as possible, as slowly as possible and it will require a tremendous amount of work on your part to gather information that more than likely does not exist anymore. The main goal of this policy is to make you feel protected as long as you don’t actually have any claims. If the unfortunate circumstance arises we fully expect to keep as much of the money as possible, as stated before, and henceforth you have been informed that your unrealistic expectations will be equally matched by unbelievable shenanigans our staff delivers at the most inopportune moments. Thank you for the money, and also be reminded that policy cancellation is at our discretion.”
Would that make you feel better or worse about your insurance policy? Rhetorical questions have the easiest answers.
I encourage each of you to sit down with your insurance agent and ask a few hard questions. I anticipate your agent will not know many of the answers to these very simple queries due to the complicated language embedded in the policy. You might want to take some notes here.
What is inventory? You may think it’s just your stock. It’s the entire contents of your building. Imagine picking up your building, shaking it, and all of the things that would fall to the ground. “Inventory” is virtually everything within the walls that’s not bolted or permanently affixed. It includes chairs, computers, desks, filing cabinets, rugs, shelving, racks, credit card machine, fax machines, phones, showroom displays and shelving, hydraulic machines, refrigerators, microwaves, tables, calculators, stationary, file folders, paint mixers, scales, test equipment, shop equipment and tools. Still think you’ve got enough coverage?
What’s the replacement cost of the building vs. your policy’s face value? In other words, just because you have insurance for $750,000 to cover the structure, it does not guarantee that’s the amount you’ll get. Worse yet, what if you need more? Appraisal values can help, but the wisest thing would be to get a contractor to give you a cost per square foot estimate for the type of building you have (i.e. steel, brick or wood). Your insurance company will pay based on regional average estimates for square footage. Remember, an average is the best of the worst, and the worst of the best. If your estimate is $115 per square foot, yet your insurance estimate is $72 per square foot, you’d better be a master negotiator.
What about the EPA? Does your policy cover hazardous run-off? With all of the water used to put out a fire in a building that contains copious quantities of chemicals, it’s a sure ‘fire’ bet, you’ll have some. Does your policy cover hazardous waste disposal? If so, nail down the amount of coverage, if fixed, or it could be a fixed percentage based on the total of the claim. Yep, made my stomach turn a flip-flop when informed of this level of hell.
How about loss of use coverage? That’s usually a separate rider policy. How much money will you need to operate for six months while you rebuild? This type of policy usually is broken into three sections. Ongoing expenses or normal payments, payroll for key employees, and as the forensic accountant assigned to my case explained, “other things.” When I questioned this guy about what “other” referred to, he said they called it “the ghost,” because it’s for all the intangible things. When I told my normal accountant about this coverage, he instantaneously began rattling off phone numbers for attorneys. My faith in receiving any benefit was belittled by the legal and accounting fees we were going to rack up proving solid evidence of vaguely anything solid.
What of the cost for demolition? Is it covered under the normal policy, or as a percentage of the total claim? Keep in mind that hazardous material disposal is very expensive. Are there any county, city, or state ordinances or codes that regulate the process? Will you have to prove later how it was disposed? Will your insurance company expect to get any ‘scrap’ money the demolition contractor will get for metal recycling? Is your head hurting yet?
What happens if some of your employees leave your employment as you rebuild? Let’s assume you’ll lose about half of your staff, so what then? Possibly this may be an “intangible” claim. I’m still trying to figure this one out; I’ll update you later on my progress.
Those are just a few questions to ask. Take notes, or possibly record the entire conversation ‘for training purposes’ later, ahem, if you catch my drift. I’m going through all of this right now, and I sure wish this was all just a bad dream. I’m discovering it’s just bad reality. If this befalls any of you reading this, you will survive, and so will I, but don’t forget to breathe, and remember your grass will still grow and need mowing. When you get totally upset and discouraged, try to keep your “vernacular” to yourself. After all, you’ve got insurance don’t you? There is much more to come. By my calculations, I’m only at the fourth level of hell, and still have five more to go.
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About the Author
Mark Smith
Mark Smith is the former owner and president of Wholesale Auto Parts in Summersville, W. Va. He now is the member services coordinator at the national headquarters of Federated Auto Parts Distributors in Staunton, Va. A recipient of the "National Business Leadership Award," Honorary Chairman by the Republican National Committee, Smith has served on the West Virginia Automotive Wholesalers Association Board of Directors, Nicholas County Board of Education Advisory member, and on his local Rotary Club as Charter President. He also is a former National Advisory Council member for Auto Value/BTB, a former consultant for Epicor Solutions and consultant for GLG Council. He can be reached at [email protected].