Rand McNally

All five Great Lakes relocate farther south

Fed up with the polar vortex that has brought the harshest winter since the discovery of Seasonal Affective Disorder, the Great Lakes have collectively issued a change of address and relocated to a warmer climate, according to geography experts at Rand McNally. All five of the lakes have moved to an area stretching from southern Louisiana to the Lake of the Ozarks. The new Great Lakes settlement occupies what was previously land between the longitudinal meridians 95 degrees W and 81 degrees W. 

The five siblings stress that the move was not a rash decision. They carefully considered the route over the course of several weeks, and would have left at the end of February, but had to wait for a permit from the Freshwater Fish Federation. They finally departed on Sunday, March 23, heading southwest along the Illinois River. They stopped to rehydrate in St. Louis, and continued south along the Mississippi River to their final destinations.

"It was rather treacherous," Lake Erie, the baby of the bunch, said. "I wasn't entirely sure we'd make it. Fortunately, I brought snacks." Lake Erie has taken with him the famed Niagara Falls and leaves Canadian/U.S. hydroelectricity options up in the air. 

For Lake Michigan, the delay was unwarranted. "I was totes looking forward to Mardi Gras and St. Paddy's Day down here in Louisiana," she lamented. Lake Michigan leaves behind some 12 million residents of Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana and Michigan without a waterfront. Bemused boaters puzzled over a mud-scrawled note reading, "Glacier wuz here."

Lake Huron said, "I feel like I was just stuck in the middle on this one. I don't know that I would have moved at all, frankly, but we've just got to make the best of it. The important thing is that HOMES* stays together. We gotta represent." 

Lake Superior could not be bothered and had no comment.

In an official statement, Lake Ontario, agent/publicist for the Great Lakes, said he will dearly miss his moose friends, as well as sunsets over Toronto. In an unofficial statement, the Georgian Bay said he woke up the morning of Monday, March 24, to find his neighbors had gone, adding, "I'd think it'd be better to tell a guy instead a leavin' in the middle a the night, eh?" The Georgian Bay also remarked that it will be nice to walk around in his underwear and not have to pull the shades.

The Finger Lakes of New York have planned a visit later this summer. Beyond this housewarming party, the Great Lakes' future plans are uncertain. "We haven't decided if this is a permanent move, or if we'll just be snowbirds from now on," they say. "We'll have to see how it goes down here. For now, we're just gonna soak it all in."

*For crossword puzzle nerds, HOMES is an acronym for the Great Lakes: Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie and Superior


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